Should sex be spontaneous?

We do tend to feel that the best loving sex with your partner is when you look lovingly at each other, feel overcome with desire and dreamily skip the light fandango all at once. But you’re parents! 

What if that look is exchanged just before feeding baby, or during bath-time, or a minute before your little one goes into meltdown and the only thing you have a minute for is them? And what about the fact that you’re probably so tired and frazzled that the only thing you can think of when approaching a bed is a night of blessed sleep? Does all this make the case for the desirability of a little planning when it comes to your sex life?

We tend not to acknowledge it, but a certain amount of planning does go into most good sex lives. One of you starts thinking about the other during the day and by the time you meet up in the evening you’re already primed and ready. If you’ve any sense of preparation you might have texted, called or messaged your other half at some point and said in one form or other “What about it?” If you don’t you may need to give them some encouragement to catch up with your stage of desire and readiness. As parents, you may now need to lay careful plans to make sure both of you feel in the mood and you’ve made sure caring for your child won’t get in the way.

One obvious ploy might be to enlist close family such as loving grandparents to take your child for the night. Then, you can either have the house to yourselves or have a night out that culminates in love-making. Or, if you can afford it, ask them to come round and take over while you and your partner decamp to a hotel for the night. If none of this is possible, at least make sure you’re both on hand to go through the evening feed, bath and bedtime routine to settle your little one as well as possible and to allow you to feel relaxed and available to each other.
 
You want to do more than simply make the time to be alone however. What about communicating what sort of love you want to make? Fast and furious? Slow and gentle? With a little bit of fantasy, role play and dressing up? Make sure you both have your phones with you during the day and send each other little messages outlining what you’d like to do with them, what you’d love them to do to you and asking what they’d like you to do to them.
 
Should you diary date it? People seem to think making plans days ahead somehow makes love-making mechanical. But we’re happy to diary so many good times - days out with friends and family, visits to cinema and theatre or sports events.

Why should getting it on with your loved one be so different? Far from being mechanical, knowing next Thursday is Love Night could ramp up the excitement and help you ensure all goes as planned. 

Bounty “Sex & Relationship” articles are written by expert Suzie Hayman. Suzie is agony aunt for Woman magazine, a Relate trained counsellor, and an accredited TripleP (Positive Parenting Programme) parenting educator.  She makes frequent appearances on TV and radio and as well as writing 31 books, Suzie writes features on parenting, relationships, sex and couples counselling, for a wide range of national magazines and newspapers